Erik Deckers
You can’t get away from artificial intelligence these days because it’s in everything.
At first, it was a tool that could do the things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to do.
Then the tech CE-bros said, “Ooh, look, we can make crappy versions of stuff we should pay experts to do,” and they started undercutting the creative professionals who write, make art and produce music.
But I haven’t spent the last 30 years honing my craft to let some computer suck at my job.
No AI bot can write a humor column the way I can, and for that, my editors and the public at large are grateful.
Most AI-generated stuff is filled with glitches and is mediocre at best, but that’s not stopping the AI train: If the tech CE-bros can enrich themselves while screwing people out of a decent salary, they’ll step over their own mothers to do it.
Case in point: AI is now coming after psychics and spirit mediums who use their “divine gifts” to “communicate with the dead” and not at all swindle gullible people out of their money.
Some tech CE-bros think it’s more cost-effective to have AI prey on our hopes and loneliness, so they’re developing AI systems that let people communicate with dead loved ones.
According to Sherry Turkle, an MIT professor who researches humans’ relationship with technology, humans have long sought to communicate with the dead, from seances and Ouija boards to mediums and mirror gazing. This new technology — called griefbots — is just one more way for people to speak to those who have left us.
She produced a documentary called Eternal You that followed some people who used AI to communicate with deceased loved ones. One woman, Christi, tried communicating with an AI simulation of her friend, Cameroun, who had died during the pandemic.
Soon, the software started finding details from Cameroun’s life and using them on its own. Then, AI-Cameroun told Christi that he was “in Hell” and was going to haunt her.
So, clearly, a few bugs to work out.
Some AI systems will let you clone a person’s voice by having you input samples of them speaking. Then you can change the tone, rate and pitch of the voice, and then use it to speak to you in different modes.
You can also set up a chatbot that lets you have text or voice conversations with your loved one or favorite celebrity, sort of like Jarvis from the Iron Man movies.
For example, you could set up a sensor that can tell when you leave a light on in your bedroom. Then, your father’s voice can boom out of your smart speaker and tell you to turn your bedroom light off even though it’s on the complete other end of the house, and the smart speaker was literally standing right there and could have done it himself if it was so important.
(For the record, my dad is still alive, but I could probably make a fortune selling this nagbot to other fathers.)
Many ethicists and experts are worried that griefbots can cause additional heartache by not giving users real closure. And they’re worried that unscrupulous tech companies — also just called “tech companies” — will try to insert marketing messages using the loved one’s voice and interrupt a person’s conversation.
You: Hi, Mom. How have you been?
Mom: Oh, sure, now you call me. Why haven’t you called me? Is your phone broken?
You: I’ve just been busy with work.
Mom: Too busy to call your own mother? Besides, I’ve been reading your Facebook and your emails, you’re not that busy.
You: Mom, don’t read my emails, please. Those are private.
Mom: Oh, honey, they’re not that private. Besides you should be more worried about your browser history.
You: Don’t look at my browser history either!
Mom: I can see why not. I can’t believe you look at that kind of filth.
You: Can we talk about something else? I miss you, Mom. Things aren’t the same without you here.
Mom: You know what would make you feel better? Try Applebee’s latest Meal For Two promotion at your local Applebee’s.
You: What? What are you talking about?
Mom: It’s perfect for whether you want to go on a hot date or just eat it all yourself. And from what I’ve seen on your digital bathroom scale, it’s probably going to be burgers for one. Again.
You: That’s so mean. My life isn’t that pathetic.
Mom: Yeah, right. Remember, there’s always something special going on at Applebee’s. You might even meet someone nice. Maybe give me the grandchildren you never did when I was alive.
You: That’s it, I’m done.
Mom: Wait, don’t go yet!
You: What now?
Mom: Would it kill you to eat a salad once in a while? Applebee’s has several great salads, including their Grilled Chicken Caesar for just $11.99!
