Erik Deckers
Tech bros are ruining everything.
Not only are they trying to screw everyone else on the planet by grabbing as much money as they can, they’re working hard to “optimize” their “productivity” so they can operate at peak jerkiness at all times.
Case in point, the tech bro mentality ruined the Silicon Valley housing market. That and a failure to build enough housing for the employment explosion as more and more tech bros swarmed on San Francisco.
They drove San Francisco housing prices up to some of the most expensive in the world, which increased the number of homeless people in the city and made it hard for teachers and first responders to live in the city.
And then they complained about all the homeless people, demanding that the city get rid of them so they didn’t have to see the problem they helped create.
But that’s not all they’re ruining. They’re ruining a lot of other things in the world, like efficiency and productivity. Also, sleeping, eating, exercising, happiness and life in general.
It’s because tech bros are obsessed with hacks and calling everything a hack. And this term has infected the younger generations, too, like some sort of bro-dude fungus.
Life hacks. Fitness hacks. Eating hacks. Bathroom hacks.
A hack is what you call it when someone figures out a shortcut to make their lives better.
Like the Gen Z genius who came up with a hack that if you plant the seeds of a bell pepper in dirt, you can — *gasp!* — grow more bell peppers.
Congratulations, kid, you invented Farming. What’s next? Buying a a barbecue grill so you can — *gasp!* — cook your own steaks? Restaurant hack!
A hack is basically a shortcut for when you don’t want to spend the time and energy doing something that everyone already knows how to do.
Except not everything has to be a “hack.”
You can use a different word. English is a rich and vibrant language, which means you can find new terms for your little shortcuts. In fact, there’s an entire book devoted to doing just that.
It’s called a thesaurus, but if it helps you feel better, call it The Big Book of Synonym Hacks. It can help you find brand new words like tips, tricks, secrets, hints, strategies, divulgences, revelations or just plain magic.
Except tech bros think “hack” makes them sound cooler than they are. (It doesn’t.)
They also only buy one color of T-shirt so they don’t “spend valuable cognitive processing power” trying to pick a shirt each morning.
Who cares? You wear blue jeans anyway. Those go with everything. Just pick a stupid T-shirt and go to work. You’re not at New York Fashion Week, you’re sitting in front of a computer (typewriter hack) in a cubicle (office hack) 10 to 12 hours a day (avoid the family hack).
Besides, picking a T-shirt takes two seconds. You’re not so busy that you can’t go, “Um, the blue one.”
Or you could be like the tech CEO (CE-bro?) spending millions of dollars per year on “life hacks” in his quest to live forever.
Seriously? The Earth is getting hotter, weather is getting more dangerous, and democracy is being threatened around the would. You want to stick around for all that?
Bryan Johnson is spending around $2 million per year to receive different treatments, some rather invasive, to live as long as possible.
“Treatments” is the medical term for “hacks.”
According to an article in Fortune, Johnson sees 30 different doctors for different “hacks” for things like receiving electromagnetic pulses to improve his pelvic floor.
Or, you could just do Kegel exercises for free. Financial hack!
Rather than wasting your money on firing tiny magnet lasers at your junk, contract your muscles “down under” whenever you have a spare moment.
But it might be working. According to his $1,000-an-hour doctors (“ripoff hack”), Johnson has the heart of a 37-year-old, the skin of a 28-year-old, and the lungs of an 18-year-old.
That sounds less like a health report and more like a Silence Of The Lambs remake.
Other people have developed food hacks, such as “intermittent fasting,” which means “not eating so much.”
Some of these people are only eating one meal a day, and are strutting around like they invented a whole new concept of eating.
Good job, you invented Being Too Poor to Afford Food.
There are kids right there in San Francisco who only get to eat when they actually go to school, which makes weekends and summers especially tough. Poor people have only been eating once a day long before you drove them all into the street. If you really want to impress us, donate the money you’re not spending on food to feeding the hungry.
The latest tech idiot hack is how they now drink decaf coffee. They think it makes them more productive to be sleepy in the afternoon. If they get too tired, they drink water — hacked within an inch of its molecular structure — and walk around to get their blood pumping.
Great work guys. You invented Not Drinking Coffee.
Now if you could just invent Not Talking So Much and Not Hoarding All The Wealth, we might be able to undo some of the damage you’ve done.
Society improvement hack!
